mental health · OWLSbloggers

OWLS Happiness Blog Tour: My Dilemma with Happiness

Hey guys! Welcome back to another OWLS blog post here on the blog. If you’re reading this, chances are that you guys were redirected here from Lita’s OWLS blog post. But in case I’ve finally hit that blogging fame and you weren’t sent here via her blog, check it out! It’s a very sweet post that made me cry rainbows

And if you guys are new and don’t know what the heck OWLS is, let me tell you…

sailor
I wish I were an inch as suave as Haruka

OWLS is a group of content creators who promote acceptance of all individuals regardless of (and not limited to) race, nationality, gender, sexual (& nonsexual) orientation, religion, and disability. Every month we discuss real-world topics through online tours, sharing personal experiences and analyzing pop culture, literature, and other forms of media

And this month’s topic is Happiness!

“Happiness is subjective. We all have different definitions of what happiness means to us and we also feel happiness in varying degrees. This month we will be exploring several questions describing our happiness in our fandoms, communities, and hobbies. Why do we find enjoyment watching anime or reading manga? Why did we decide to join the anime or pop culture communities?  Why do we blog about our hobbies or cosplay as our favorite characters? This topic is all about the passions we have for our interests and why they are important to us.”

Examples:
Cosplaying
Anime blogging community
Massive otaku collections
Fanfiction junkies

But wait…

toradora

Now then, I have to confess. When I saw this prompt, I felt so lost. What to write about?! As you guys may have heard, Happiness is something I haven’t really found in these past few months and you bet I’m feeling TERRIBLE about not finding something to write about. I mean, I had 28 days!! And yeah, I feel like I’m putting a downer on this month’s prompt but I also feel like I have to be honest about where I am right now

Last year I would have gladly screamed about anime, my husbands, my OTPs, reading, and just, a ton of things! But I haven’t watched or read much of anything. In fact, I dread the idea of sitting down to watch anime or read manga. There’s a part of me that is rejecting this and I’m not sure why yet. As for my husbands…well, I don’t feel like I can properly write a post about them right now

So I decided to ask my parents about the subject of happiness and well, considering recent events, those talks got a little too emotional. I was also going to talk to a professor about this but scheduling just didn’t work out (plus, there’s a part of me that’s afraid to go see them) so I’m still lost at sea about this topic

Why the Dilemma?

nervous yuuri

A few years back, before I ever moved over to Twitter, I used to be on Facebook like a junkie. I loved posting pictures of places I had visited and posting check-in updates. I even wrote short movie reviews on the days I watched something new. Then Twitter happened and now I’m a junkie here, but I can’t let go of Facebook. Why? Well, my parents use Facebook and it’s a way to keep them updated on my well-being whenever I go out

But recently I’ve also stopped going on Facebook and interacting with the people on there. It’s just very tiring to see everyone being so happy with their lives, of getting married, having children, hanging out with friends, and just…finding happiness (I feel terrible for feeling this way but also, what the heck, I’m a terrible person)

Since I was a kid, happiness, in my household, has always been equivalent to creating a family and as a woman, being a caretaker, but these are concepts I’ve always rejected. I don’t want to get married because I don’t believe in marriage. I mean, my parents aren’t married and they’re living pretty well, so then why should I have to get married? I’ve also never wanted children and especially never wanted to care for anyone. I mean, I can’t even take care of myself! And I doubt I’ll ever truly want any children so then…does this mean I’ll never be happy?

As things stand, this is what is currently in my head. I know that happiness doesn’t equal all or even any of these things, but I’ve seen people become happy just by having them so there must be some truth to it all? Or perhaps there’s something else that they have that I’m missing?

I know many of our OWLS members have been talking about moments of happiness and the things that bring them joy, and perhaps this is what people call a midlife crisis, but I just don’t see those things as “true happiness”. So then, what IS “true happiness”? I haven’t figured it out yet

Yes, I’m a pessimist, if you guys hadn’t figured it out yet

Original Idea Botched

77e95ccb964f538185232f90ef0044d2.gif

I was originally going to talk about anime conventions for this post but then Acen 2019 “happened” and I realized that whatever I wrote wouldn’t be “true”. You see, I go to Acen every year. Acen is a local convention here in the Chicagoland area and there’s something about going to conventions that makes me happy. Or at least it made me happy. Just like my anime blog and the anime community, I feel like I’m drifting apart. I don’t know any of the voice actors that are new in the industry since I don’t watch dubs and I haven’t properly sat down to watch any anime in what feels like ages. I don’t cosplay and I don’t know anyone who goes to these events so then, what’s the point anymore?

It’s probably because of this that I didn’t feel upset that I couldn’t find my badge this year (and therefore didn’t attend Acen 2019).

I suppose this is a perfect time to plug Megan’s post where she talked about people having to go out and find their own happiness. That we have something in ourselves with the potential to find happiness. Or at least that’s how I understood it. I think this is what I’m missing. I don’t have a goal that I feel can make me “truly happy” (whatever this may be)

So I think I’ll go with Naja’s idea and give you all an insight into some of the things that have made me “happy” recently

Hanging out with Lyn on Mother’s Day

flying2

Like you guys may have heard, I went out to California recently for my cousin’s wedding. He got married on May 11th and my brothers and I were invited. We went to the church for the ceremony and then we went to their reception (is this what it’s called?). It was an alright event but I have to admit that my mood had gone from an 8 to a 2 in just a few hours. I was upset because I had to dress in a way that I hated and I felt very out of place and alone. The next day I decided to ditch my family and ended up at a cafe where I cried and wished I could disappear

The next day also happened to be the day Lyn and I got to hang out at the California Science Museum. I honestly felt like I was being a bother and I know I’m not the most interesting company, but considering how my Saturday had been going and how my Sunday started, I felt very happy to spend the day with her. I don’t want to sound like I’m exaggerating but she honestly saved me that day

ARGH why the heck am I crying NOW?!

Going to Madrid

airplane

This is something I recently announced. I decided to get my TEFL certificate, which will allow me to teach English as a foreign language in non-English speaking countries. Since Spain has been my latest obsession, I decided to apply for this certificate there and as an add on, I will also be studying Spanish.

I decided to do this because I like traveling and I wanted to get away from where I live. Not just my house but Chicago and the US in general. In a sense, it’s like a fresh start to things. Nobody will know me abroad so I feel like I can recreate myself

I’m hoping to recreate myself

My Happiness = Busy

my little monster

Right now, anything that makes me stay out of my headspace makes me happy. My hanging out with Lyn was a nice change of pace. I don’t have friends back home to hang out with and it’s not something I actively try to change (it’s a drag, to borrow Shikamaru’s phrase). And the trip to Madrid has me preoccupied with things like gathering paperwork and create longterm itineraries

Working with OWLS and participating in community events keep me busy. Running errands for my mom keeps me busy. Even sleeping keeps me busy (have I mentioned I’m having trouble staying awake recently?)

Whoops. Probably not the type of post you guys wanted to read but yeah, this is currently where I stand. Don’t worry though. Lyn will cheer everyone up soon enough with her post!

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “OWLS Happiness Blog Tour: My Dilemma with Happiness

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s